he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
