My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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