'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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