Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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