he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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