So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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