i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
