Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
