I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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