My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Who died my cat blue again?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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