Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
