I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
