I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
