Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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