guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
