Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
