google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
