I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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