I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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