I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
