I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
