i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
