capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
All the doctor said was why
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
