I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
