Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Randomize
