so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
