i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Less talking, more tequila
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
