I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
