i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my shit smells like andre
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
