My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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