i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize