Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
