my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
