I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
