dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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