I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
zippers are such a cool invention
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
