I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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