He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
