9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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