I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
