i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
