I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
