I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
