i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
