Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
