the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
