On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My liver is preforming stress tests.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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