You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
