something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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