I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just threw up on my dentist
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
