you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
