I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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