life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I want her autograph on my taint
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
