fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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