Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
