I met the friendliest cop last night
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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