I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
