i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
