Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Randomize