The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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