Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize