My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
