If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
