i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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