just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Dear god my vagina.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
