Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
